Meeting Femaleness

by Adele Leung

To find oneself, many times we first deny who we are.A child at 12 being innocently denied of her openness to love and to share her love, grew up embodying all the religious connotations of what it means to be proper with her body and her sex. She breathed and lived guilt with each step in life. Yet the life within her refused to be denied. The more it was repressed, the harder it wants to express. The child was too tired to fight and too scared to speak out, repeatedly her life was snuffed and her voice disappeared. She was ready to give up life. At 12, she died symbolically in a car accident, miraculously surviving with barely a scratch. It is not her time yet, there is still much to learn and share.She grew up in her teens still in conflict, confused, fighting. Her heart wants to open but her body is frozen. When her body is ready, her heart is two steps behind. She is broken, fragmented. There is no harmony. She does not feel worthy enough to take up space, she is unsure why she is here. She has misinterpreted that to be loved you need to give all that you are, and even more than you have.

Her fragility misled her to believe that to be whole we must seek completion from the outside. Yet all the searching, seeking, discovering, told her otherwise. Nothing and no one can complete us, without ourselves first realizing the fullness within.

Therefore, broken, in heart, in body, she returns within. Fragmented, she pieced the soul back together with bleeding hands. She finds that some pieces cannot be found and others will always be imperfect, but now she can feel her heart again.

The woman within her is vibrant and dynamic, strong. She is fully open and totally in femaleness to receive. She is love in stillness and compassion. In every heart beat, she continues to tread on the path, simply for her own survival. Although without much angst, the rebellion is there, silent.

With each step she walks, she also holds the hands of all the women who have been experiencing similar. She strips her roles, after being in all of them—the virgin, the whore, the dakini, the lover, the daughter, the wife, the mother, but none of them can fully express her. She rather just calls herself, a woman, an eternal symbol of the moon.

She can feel every heart of every woman. All the madness, the lack of self-love, the feeling of unworthiness, the pulsating desires, the suffocating jealousy. She may not understand, but she accepts. She cries in pain but she accepts. And this acceptance has led her where she is here now.
She will continue to walk on this path, with her arms outstretched. And in her heart, she knows the beauty, the grandiosity, the breath-taking grace and deep inner strength she feels of the female race, will be honored in much greater magnitude when we begin to see ourselves truly, face to face.

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