Rambling on the 29th night of September

by Adele Leung

I am not going to lie.

I have never had much interest in the external world. Mastering myself is the only full time occupation for me. I like to journey within myself and poke at all the dodgy and curious places, sometimes they turn out to be quite overwhelming and amazing too. When the world is interested in the financial market or America or ending poverty, I just wish to go to my room and look within myself. This may not be a conventional way for most human beings to live, living in such aloneness and isolation to our surroundings, but it is my way, I don’t know any other way. It is natural for me and call me crazy, but I would be very uncomfortable living in an apartment or working 9 to 5 in an office or watching TV every night. Just a choice I guess.

Most of my life I have hoped to be like everyone else. I have tried many times to do everything possible to remain in my comfort zone. I just wanted to be a cashier or work in a small book shop. However something within my heart, always successfully convince me my path is otherwise. I never plan much what I do, I just know and then somehow I follow through with the immense help of the Universe. Most of the times I do not know how it happened. And before I have time to reflect about it logically, I am already on another part of my journey.

We know that whatever that we resist the most, is usually what we have to learn to master the most. I still have many dreams of being invisible, I just want to hide in my isolated house within the hills and talk to the eagles all day long.

But what I want, and what I feel the most comfortable, is not what I am here to be. I am here to extend myself, to expand into horizons I don’t know existed. I am here to grow more than I have ever had. I am here to serve. Many moments I feel fear is surely going to consume me, and each time I feel this is the definitely the biggest challenge ever, I surprise myself by jumping through another hurdle.

No one says it would be easy, but perhaps this is the life we have decided enough is enough. We are no longer content to keep pretending just to feel safe. The pain of not being who we are is greater than the fear preventing us to move forward. I could only look forward to the moment when I come out of the water for another first breath.