I still believe in flowers

by Adele Leung

This is where I am at.

Speaking about what I have always felt unable to speak about.

The inability was not because of lack of words or feelings, but because I was feeling another prior and in a greater extent to myself.  I had felt the situation did not permit me to speak about what I needed to, because it would be in disrespect to the other party if I did.  And thus, for years and lifetimes, I have been dishonoring myself.

I had swallowed words and sucked in tears which should naturally be allowed to flow; instead of expression, everything imploded and began to suffocate the light.

I know who I am.  I have come in harmony.  From the very first day, I have expressed that I bear full responsibility of my life.  I have come in honor of my heart, and also in honor of your heart.  I have come in trust of the universe.  And thus, all that you have reflected back to me, I receive gently and love preciously, whether in joy or in pain.  I have come and left in incompletion, without full expression and livingness of myself, I have dishonored myself firstly, and you, thereafter; because I had felt your distance.  But what I see is only my responsibility and I am bearing it in full.

There is a family amongst me, whom I felt love and care.  And yet I could not open up to most of them, because of the huge responsibility I felt to preserve harmony.  I am inflicting cruelty on myself because of my attachment to my tribe, I am choosing to love others over the love for myself.

And so, I have come back to where I am at.

I could only honor that.

I still believe in flowers.