I am a little boy with little boy feelings

From the very beginning, I had a knowingness that there was a path waiting for me to carve out that goes beyond what we recognize as our confined roles in life.  The “roles” in life appeared fluid to me rather than strictly inclusive.

You could say this was a chicken and egg story.  I became a single mom and so balancing family together with career as well as with one’s inner growth is an every single day exploration.  Being a parent as well as a friend was also a delicate endeavor.

This path of fluidity is not forged with force or the feelings of insufficiency.  Rather it has  been walked with joy and anticipation, most of the time.  It was all an exploration, but mostly, deep within I know the spherical nature of an exploration is much more natural to me than a box constructed with straight lines and impenetrable walls.  It was like seeing life with the eyes of a child, nothing is impossible, everything is an adventure.  And as I approached life with a wide-eyed wonder, life greets me back with many miracles.

As the boundaries blended within my life, such as, work is not just work, it was also work with parenting; and self growth was almost always done in tandem with my child, my child and I are always learning in each moment, how to balance our own roles.  If I am to be honest and gentle to myself, there was no way I can be a parent who always uphold an invincible shield.  There are times when I am fragile and these moments had to be honored too.

Therefore feeling my own fragility and that of my child also, recognizing them in full and accepting these are a part of life, that no matter what, will keep happening.  When I am too focused on a certain role, my boy would remind me in a myriad of ways to come back to harmony.

Yesterday, he did that by saying “Mommy, I am a little boy with little boy feelings.”  This simple statement had so much gentleness but also immense power in it, that I stopped completely, then and there.  This reflection was so poignant–that whatever I have been doing, I have not been gentle enough.  And so I was reminded to be more gentle, to the both of us.  But what touched me most, is the willingness of my little boy, who is now in the tender stage of growing up into a pre-adolescent, to express the fragility that he is feeling.  No matter how much he wants to mask this tenderness in many of the circumstances in life recently, his continued opening to acknowledging these feelings to someone he trusts, is truly beauty-full.

And it is with continued honesty to myself through the impulses in the heart, as well as the clear reflections from all around,  that renews every single day, my commitment to life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Real Me

From young I taught my child the real him is that which is, and everything else is that which is not.

The real him is when he is simply living his Essence, nothing but the open radiance that he is. He is openly loving, not in contraction in needing love. He is pure joy and no living being can argue that.

As a wee babe, he lives this state much more. With growing up, he has chosen to experience other states which are not the full truth of him. Just like everyone of us.

Consequently, there will be more time when he is lost in the emotions that run him—anger, especially, and if he continues to deny his overwhelming feelings, he will very frequently turn to numbing activities such as television and video games, in attempts to block out these feelings.

Only because of my own long and tedious journey and eventual choice to return, has allowed me the awareness to witness my child’s process. And honestly, never is this easy for a mother to face in truthfulness.

Some moments I will fall into the emotional trap too, other times in desperation I may revert to control, only because I have absorbed my son’s pain, which sometimes ignite my own and am looking desolately for a way out of it. Yet these never work in the true sense, as they do not bring either of us back to the harmony that we are.

I began testing other ways, for my boy, as well for myself. I allowed him his time and his outbreaks if necessary, but rather than taking the energy on, I worked on my own non-interference and non-absorbing skills. When I am more than not in my own inner-heart, the stillness remains even though my baby is in an outburst, and how immensely important it is for me to be that stillness, especially when he is not, for the both of us.

This morning, my child woke up after a deeply revitalizing sleep. He came to me in a strong hug and said, “I am the true me”.

I held him tight, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “This, is what I would like to honor you for, the whole and true you. Not your grades at school, not anything else, but this. Even if you only live this for a brief moment, because of my Love for you, I would like to remind you of this.”

What more do we live for in life, but for these moments of Soul-full connection, when one by one, we remember. With remembrance and honesty, then the choice becomes ours. And there is nothing more precious than meeting each other in our trueness.

I truly love you.