I am a little boy with little boy feelings
From the very beginning, I had a knowingness that there was a path waiting for me to carve out that goes beyond what we recognize as our confined roles in life. The “roles” in life appeared fluid to me rather than strictly inclusive.
You could say this was a chicken and egg story. I became a single mom and so balancing family together with career as well as with one’s inner growth is an every single day exploration. Being a parent as well as a friend was also a delicate endeavor.
This path of fluidity is not forged with force or the feelings of insufficiency. Rather it has been walked with joy and anticipation, most of the time. It was all an exploration, but mostly, deep within I know the spherical nature of an exploration is much more natural to me than a box constructed with straight lines and impenetrable walls. It was like seeing life with the eyes of a child, nothing is impossible, everything is an adventure. And as I approached life with a wide-eyed wonder, life greets me back with many miracles.
As the boundaries blended within my life, such as, work is not just work, it was also work with parenting; and self growth was almost always done in tandem with my child, my child and I are always learning in each moment, how to balance our own roles. If I am to be honest and gentle to myself, there was no way I can be a parent who always uphold an invincible shield. There are times when I am fragile and these moments had to be honored too.
Therefore feeling my own fragility and that of my child also, recognizing them in full and accepting these are a part of life, that no matter what, will keep happening. When I am too focused on a certain role, my boy would remind me in a myriad of ways to come back to harmony.
Yesterday, he did that by saying “Mommy, I am a little boy with little boy feelings.” This simple statement had so much gentleness but also immense power in it, that I stopped completely, then and there. This reflection was so poignant–that whatever I have been doing, I have not been gentle enough. And so I was reminded to be more gentle, to the both of us. But what touched me most, is the willingness of my little boy, who is now in the tender stage of growing up into a pre-adolescent, to express the fragility that he is feeling. No matter how much he wants to mask this tenderness in many of the circumstances in life recently, his continued opening to acknowledging these feelings to someone he trusts, is truly beauty-full.
And it is with continued honesty to myself through the impulses in the heart, as well as the clear reflections from all around, that renews every single day, my commitment to life.