A return to true love

A year ago I documented an epic event in my life through some photos.

I moved.

I did not only move house, I moved from solitude and a life of checking out from reality and in reaction towards humanity, back into the world.

I have always felt how overwhelming humanity can be. And forever, I was trying to hide. So one after another self-created illusion I built, and farther and farther I was from who I truly am. Eventually I was self-medicating every day by creating a life that was “idyllic” so to speak, in a house that was hidden in the woods, where eagles are encountered more often than human beings. Yet this idyll was in-truth sustained by huge amounts of energy that I had to constantly top up, for this bubble to continue to exist, and for me to feel safe.

But was I really safe? I had to constantly rely on the house and the environment there to feel safe. Even though I had to harden my body walking up and down hill every day, for 45 minutes to even buy a head of lettuce or bring my son to school, sometimes up to 3 times a day, carrying heavy loads of food and backpacks of stuff for work, I could not let go of this self-made idyll, there was just too much on the line. Stressing whether to bring a laptop or not became a serious issue, who could imagine?

By the grace of love, eventually one year ago I heeded my heart, as the impulse was too strong to be ignored anymore. We moved. Without knowing anything, I let go of almost everything that I had built up over decades that I identified myself with. The masks dropped, and I was traumatically terrified.

I did not know who I was. All I knew was everything that I had prided myself to be, was not IT. I had never lived the true me. All the protection that I have built, did not keep me safe when I opened myself in vulnerability to others, I was hurt and I still felt such deep pain. Even the idyllic house could not rescue me from this pain, I had numbed myself over and over again while living there. But now the pain can no longer be masked, I had run out of options.

It took me many months to even begin feeling safe again, more truly, to feel safe the first time ever in my life. When I had no one to rely on, I still had my house. I had the quiet and the stillness of the place. When we moved back to community, I could no longer depend on the stillness of nature, and I realized I was intensely chaotic and conflicting within. You can say I had no choice but to choose to remember my own stillness. In-truth, I had long ago chosen to return to true love, and finally, I was brave enough to live it, because the strength we carry is the love we are and always have been.

If I had never given myself the chance to live my heart, I would not through self-love, self-care and self-nuture re-discover and live for the first time who I truly am.  And who would have guessed the true me is so in love with humanity, because now I know the love for me is true.

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I still believe in flowers

This is where I am at.

Speaking about what I have always felt unable to speak about.

The inability was not because of lack of words or feelings, but because I was feeling another prior and in a greater extent to myself.  I had felt the situation did not permit me to speak about what I needed to, because it would be in disrespect to the other party if I did.  And thus, for years and lifetimes, I have been dishonoring myself.

I had swallowed words and sucked in tears which should naturally be allowed to flow; instead of expression, everything imploded and began to suffocate the light.

I know who I am.  I have come in harmony.  From the very first day, I have expressed that I bear full responsibility of my life.  I have come in honor of my heart, and also in honor of your heart.  I have come in trust of the universe.  And thus, all that you have reflected back to me, I receive gently and love preciously, whether in joy or in pain.  I have come and left in incompletion, without full expression and livingness of myself, I have dishonored myself firstly, and you, thereafter; because I had felt your distance.  But what I see is only my responsibility and I am bearing it in full.

There is a family amongst me, whom I felt love and care.  And yet I could not open up to most of them, because of the huge responsibility I felt to preserve harmony.  I am inflicting cruelty on myself because of my attachment to my tribe, I am choosing to love others over the love for myself.

And so, I have come back to where I am at.

I could only honor that.

I still believe in flowers.

Being Met

There are some moments when we feel the journey is especially solitary. These are the moments when the re-union is near, if we do not allow ourselves to give into the distorted energies of emotional attachment. I can feel the tribe so near, so close to my heart. When I stretch out my arms, I can almost touch the unity. The heart like a fountain satiates and overflows its velvety warmth, cascading, touching, caressing, always in tenderness.

If we are born to return, by newly returning within, to my home, my heart; this is now a returning towards a same song, a common language which is not spoken nor sung. The yearning is like roaring lava, unbearable in heat, intense in energy, fluid in movement, fiery in form. Yet also fully receptive in femaleness, in waiting, in anticipation, in gestation. Ready to be taken and consumed in utmost surprise and gentleness; in passion and wonder.

When we are fully in our solitude, when we are loving each breath of aloneness deeply, the time of re-union is near. The tribe is in our heart, it always has been. When we have all met ourselves nakedly; the time to meet each other face to face, is here.

Photo: CK (Secret Nine Productions)

Written on New Moon 1st partial eclipse of June 2011