The Real Me

From young I taught my child the real him is that which is, and everything else is that which is not.

The real him is when he is simply living his Essence, nothing but the open radiance that he is. He is openly loving, not in contraction in needing love. He is pure joy and no living being can argue that.

As a wee babe, he lives this state much more. With growing up, he has chosen to experience other states which are not the full truth of him. Just like everyone of us.

Consequently, there will be more time when he is lost in the emotions that run him—anger, especially, and if he continues to deny his overwhelming feelings, he will very frequently turn to numbing activities such as television and video games, in attempts to block out these feelings.

Only because of my own long and tedious journey and eventual choice to return, has allowed me the awareness to witness my child’s process. And honestly, never is this easy for a mother to face in truthfulness.

Some moments I will fall into the emotional trap too, other times in desperation I may revert to control, only because I have absorbed my son’s pain, which sometimes ignite my own and am looking desolately for a way out of it. Yet these never work in the true sense, as they do not bring either of us back to the harmony that we are.

I began testing other ways, for my boy, as well for myself. I allowed him his time and his outbreaks if necessary, but rather than taking the energy on, I worked on my own non-interference and non-absorbing skills. When I am more than not in my own inner-heart, the stillness remains even though my baby is in an outburst, and how immensely important it is for me to be that stillness, especially when he is not, for the both of us.

This morning, my child woke up after a deeply revitalizing sleep. He came to me in a strong hug and said, “I am the true me”.

I held him tight, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “This, is what I would like to honor you for, the whole and true you. Not your grades at school, not anything else, but this. Even if you only live this for a brief moment, because of my Love for you, I would like to remind you of this.”

What more do we live for in life, but for these moments of Soul-full connection, when one by one, we remember. With remembrance and honesty, then the choice becomes ours. And there is nothing more precious than meeting each other in our trueness.

I truly love you.

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The Ride of the Dragon

Exactly one year ago, when the Rabbit re-entered the Chinese calendar, my life completely turned around. That was the year when I had finally lost it. What I lost was the pride of my spirit.

It was a time of deep confusion and chaos, I felt the only navigation that has guided me throughout life, that which I believed to be love, had actually been a fake. I could not even begin to describe in words the intense feeling of betrayal and fear I was in. My life had been lived as an illusion up till now, and I was solely responsible for this mess.

The year leading up to the Rabbit, the incidents that lined up all allowed me to fall deeper into this abyss, until there was no more depth to fathom, I was swimming in the abuse and lovelessness I had allowed into my life and was simply choking in its toxicity. Throughout this year, spirit fought and fought, bouncing between the states of illusion and Love. This has not only caused great exhaustion, it has ushered me into a state of frozenness, I could not more forward, backward, left, right, up or down. I felt moving in any direction or degree, would put me in grave danger, spirit was truly mortified.

Yet, my heart knew I had to move. I needed to move and as there was no where to go externally, so I moved In, straight into my inner-heart. And a miracle happened.

In utter desolation, I had found the place which I had always known but had not lived. I had lost everything, but in-truth, those things had to be lost, I had to be lost, and especially the pride of the spirit had to be lost, for me to come face to face with my kingdom, which has always been there, right there within my heart.

I returned to Love.

This miracle is so subtle, it begged me to just be with it, without speaking, without doing, just being with it. For the entire year of the Rabbit, I was simply being with Love. I knew it in my heart, but I had yet to embody Love in livingness. Talking is one thing, walking one’s talk is completely another. If I walk my talk, every single breath inhaled is a moment to do so. And thus, the Rabbit dug up every hidden discrepancy burrowed, and made me look. Keeping it? Burying it back? Not a chance, sweetheart.

And thus, there was no fighting. What had to go, simply did. Without a whisper, without necessary explanations, without more. Any physical and emotional action that was lived in lovelessness, immediately affected and was literally released through the body. I came to a complete new honoring for this physical vehicle.

We are about to enter the Year of the Dragon, I am ready to take a break from the earthy burrowing of the rabbit and step on the dragon’s back, taking with me dirt and soil from every lesson and mistake in unawareness, and just ride from the depths of our hearts.

“Holding the dragon’s tail, he swings me half way in the air, closing my eyes I hung on with nothing but a brazen heart of trust. Thus so, I land, many fluffered, but not a hair less, hugging his heart.”*

Wishing all a fabulous ride of the Dragon.

With love.

*quote by me

I Love You

I am quite forgetful and require much reminding.

And in my life, there are many benevolent Souls who have agreed to help me remember, the truth of who I am.  Relationships are my very precious lessons of this lifetime. I have learned and learned and still have not mastered the lesson of not giving my power away when in a relationship. However, as I mature in consciousness, I am less and less inclined to allow this lovelessness to be in my life.

My will to learn has been stubborn like a bull. However much I have been completely stripped naked in selfness in a relationship, it has not made me retreat and afraid to learn more. I know the only way for me the return to true Harmony is to face myself.

Every happening in life is my own creation, those that guide me to return are co-creations with the Divine. The creations of my life recently, has pointed to nothing but the urgency to truly learn this lesson. This time, though, Moments rather than Time existed. The lining up of events and its unfolding and completion all existed within the rhythm of moments. Bang, bang, bang. Each moment counted, and the choice of each moment, completely changed the next moment and so on. And without even realizing, what has been always has dawned. The stepping in is not grand, but natural.

I have come to the point where I will not allow the lovelessness to be anymore. Not from hurt or contraction, but from opening to a point where the inner-heart floods every cell of my being, and the energy of Fire within my heart is pulsing every space within. It is impossible to perpetuate the lovelessness, simply.

And in true and deep Love, I wear a smile that if you would only feel, is embracing you in the deepest Love, that we all are. And it is with this smile, I continue to walk forward, holding my arms open to share this Love with every Soul I am to meet.

I Love You.

Reconnection

The journey in life does not commence nor end with a physical journey. It begins much before a trip and continues after all returns to normal. Yet, what is normal? My trips to Peru began 5 years ago, and the journey has never ended, and each time after a physical journey, the immense work begins. My life has never been the same, and I would not wish for anything else.

My most recent trip to this land of my heart, is very special. The work has begun far and deep on the journey, and I know it is because the time has come. The time has come for me only because now I am ready. I am ready to demonstrate to myself the shaman within. I am ready to live each moment of the divinity that I am.

Never are two journeys the same. And never do I visit this land feeling I know it entirely. The earth is changing every moment. I recognized that on this journey, even physical structures have changed in a way I found surprising. There is so much learning on each trip, I cannot even begin to articulate. All learning is a reflection to myself, who I am, where I am at…and where would I like to be fully. I meet beautiful people and souls over and over again. Those I have known since years ago, I discover them anew every time. And I continue to meet new people and hearts. What I am truly meeting, through these souls, is also a part of myself. The learning is unending, at times challenging, but always it is for my own growth if I wish it to be.

This is a truly special trip, one which after 5 years, my spirit is finally not resisting to return with my body to Hong Kong. This in itself, is an immense growth. To be able to have enough trust within, to know that I am safe to return to my place of abode, by being geographically far from the Andes.

This does not mean that being away from the land which carries so much of my soul, is easy. It is not. I still have to remind myself more so at times than others, intently but also gently, that this is a learning, an immense one. But like all other opportunities to learn, there is nothing I need to do more, but to be willing to be present to it, and to open my heart to its message.

What Peru has initiated for me in these years, is a reconnection within. However much I love a place, a person, an experience; and however much I dread or grief about others, ultimately, I have to bring that back within. Because eventually nothing matters but what is inside of us. To reconnect the external with the internal, to reintegrate all realities into the One Life. And for anything to harmonize, my lesson is to be as present to them in equal attention. To love the human realm and its madness with equal gusto to the spirit realm and its madness. Or bliss. Or both.

And I am much looking forward to be the Reconnection.

A journey of livingness

I am a terrible tourist.

I do not like to travel as a tourist, where one cramps many activities into a short time just to be able to say I have been there, seen that, done that.

I enjoy to live. In a pace where life takes me, sometimes leisurely, savoring each moment with lusciousness; other times reminding myself to simply take a breath lest I forget to inhale amidst chaos.

I enjoy to feel. Simply because this is the way I am. I am disinterested in superficial appearances, be it a person, a place, an object; and external realities do not convince me in any way, unless I have felt into the hearts of all. I will listen to words and poems, but language only touch my heart when the intention is spoken with love.

I am here because of love. The love which is within me and you to begin with. It is not something separate from us, although we were brought up to believe that. It cannot be given to us by a third party, neither man nor God. When we remember the love within us, then we can share it constantly in a special synergy between another and with God.

It is with love that I journey, simply and always.

And it is with the intention to remember love, to be love, to be in livingness, that I journey.

My journey can be mundane every day beingness, or it could be travelling to the other side of the planet; however and wherever, alone or with company, each moment is lived with the intention to remember who I am, who we are.

Six weeks I have been here, in Peru. My dear brother said, this is the trip you have truly enjoyed. I have experienced the tourist parts in joy simply for the experience of navigating another reality, albeit one a little less accustomed for me. I lived with my heart connected to this land, by feeling this land, its people, its culture, its ways. Its energies run through my blood, I am one with them, their idiosyncrasies, their food, their hearts.

This is the trip I have truly enjoyed, because this time I had the opportunity to see who I am. I have been blessed by the universe to have the chance to navigate many unexpected and challenging situations. And with the land and the elements as my guide, with the support of its people and their big hearts, I have come a step closer to seeing my own heart, and the strength within. I am not alone, and I have never been. What is strength is a unity within hearts, those hearts which have recognized one another. What is strength is also the impulse to serve in further connection with other hearts.

The land, her people have opened their hearts in connection with mine, impulsing me with a deep strength to carry on, to continue to share with those afar. And it is my service to simply continue to be who I am. To carry on to travel as how my soul knows, to be in livingness, in patience and with more patience. A connection happens when there is deep understanding, we simply understand without needing to try. Then we simply be and shine and connect as who we are.