Love and only (true) love

There has been many years when I did not allow what is natural to flow. Until one day, I decided to write, not just write, but share what I have written. Then I realized, not only was I holding myself back for all those years, I was also holding back every single person in this world.

I had to share life. Life as how I have chosen and how it has been my teacher, my medicine. Did I always do life right? Hardly. What I wish to share about life is, it could have hardened me, and I have chosen many experiences that point to the road of big time hardening.

There was a spark, at times although so dimly felt, not because it is small, but because of my own self neglect and choice to not want to feel it, yet throughout my life it is always there within my heart. This spark, is my connection to love.

Did I always know love? I have always known love, but I did not always live it. Knowing love and witnessing myself not living it, is one of the greatest pains I have ever felt. Did I give up on myself? Almost, I almost bought into the guilt that does not fail to debilitate and cripple, because I have given my power to it.

What I did not envision after that was the beginning of truly living love. Not speaking or fantasizing or intellectualizing about love. But truly, responsibility, seriously, playfully, commitedly, consistently living love. This has nothing to do with being flirtatious or sexual with anyone else, but it is about being love and making love with myself every moment (again, nothing sexual is implied here). Making love every moment of my every day, what does that even mean? Imagine waking up, the first thought and the accompanying action—is that me being love, first and foremost to me? Am I being gentle to myself from the every mouthful I put in my body, to every word uttered to another, to the choices of what to select and put in my shopping basket and consequently carrying home? Am I putting love first when in a situation where emotions attempt to take over? Do I feel and honor every being in this world knowing we are all equal? Are any of my subtle expressions conveying separation that even I am unaware of? Can I continue to be love if everyone else chooses differently?

Am I being “hard” on myself for attempting not to harden in life, you may ask. There are no rules in how I live. I do not abstain from eating any foods because I don’t allow myself to. I do not go to bed early because I have to. There is nothing in life I have to do. Every single action though is a choice from my heart, knowing it would support me in being love. Why is love so important? Who would even notice if we slip once or twice, and not be love to ourselves or to others? My body would register every choice of love and lovelessness I have ever made, and I am always responsible for all the choices I have ever made and will ever make. All diseases as well as incidents/accidents in life are a result of all the choices I have made. I cannot avoid the consequences of my past choices but I can always choose new choices from now on.

Why I am sharing this is, life is constantly a learning. I have not mastered anything in perfection, and I never will. Every day I may make an unconscious choice or I may override the knowing in my heart for convenience, but it is also I who has to suffer ultimately, sooner or later. And writing while living life in love, knowing it is surely and truly a discipline, in steadiness and consistency. And the first love we show ourselves is to be more accepting and less critical in what we have missed. In-truth, we are already there. We are already enough. We are ready. Don’t let the imperfections of what entails a human experience cloud truth. Truth can only be felt within the heart.

Without honesty and responsibility, there is no true love. And knowing love, and allowing ourselves to feel the love within us, the spark which I mentioned earlier, is actually a blazing flame. And no matter how far from it we have tread, its warmth and light will always be there for us to feel, if we decide to return.

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I am a little boy with little boy feelings

From the very beginning, I had a knowingness that there was a path waiting for me to carve out that goes beyond what we recognize as our confined roles in life.  The “roles” in life appeared fluid to me rather than strictly inclusive.

You could say this was a chicken and egg story.  I became a single mom and so balancing family together with career as well as with one’s inner growth is an every single day exploration.  Being a parent as well as a friend was also a delicate endeavor.

This path of fluidity is not forged with force or the feelings of insufficiency.  Rather it has  been walked with joy and anticipation, most of the time.  It was all an exploration, but mostly, deep within I know the spherical nature of an exploration is much more natural to me than a box constructed with straight lines and impenetrable walls.  It was like seeing life with the eyes of a child, nothing is impossible, everything is an adventure.  And as I approached life with a wide-eyed wonder, life greets me back with many miracles.

As the boundaries blended within my life, such as, work is not just work, it was also work with parenting; and self growth was almost always done in tandem with my child, my child and I are always learning in each moment, how to balance our own roles.  If I am to be honest and gentle to myself, there was no way I can be a parent who always uphold an invincible shield.  There are times when I am fragile and these moments had to be honored too.

Therefore feeling my own fragility and that of my child also, recognizing them in full and accepting these are a part of life, that no matter what, will keep happening.  When I am too focused on a certain role, my boy would remind me in a myriad of ways to come back to harmony.

Yesterday, he did that by saying “Mommy, I am a little boy with little boy feelings.”  This simple statement had so much gentleness but also immense power in it, that I stopped completely, then and there.  This reflection was so poignant–that whatever I have been doing, I have not been gentle enough.  And so I was reminded to be more gentle, to the both of us.  But what touched me most, is the willingness of my little boy, who is now in the tender stage of growing up into a pre-adolescent, to express the fragility that he is feeling.  No matter how much he wants to mask this tenderness in many of the circumstances in life recently, his continued opening to acknowledging these feelings to someone he trusts, is truly beauty-full.

And it is with continued honesty to myself through the impulses in the heart, as well as the clear reflections from all around,  that renews every single day, my commitment to life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mediator

A hybrid of a firey heart and a self effacing personality, the body acts as mediator.

This moment, I have no words or desires but am prostrating to this vehicle in utmost respect and humility, its agreement to take on one of the hardest tasks, and yet have over and over again through its compassion and wisdom, worked endlessly to bring back harmony, to constantly teach and learn to incorporate soul into what is not of soul.

I

Am

Too humbled

For words.

Eternally

Learning with you.

Just a woman

What is a woman to do after feeling the intensity of unadulterated feelings of the cosmic heart in the physical reality? Pure feelings from the heart, untampered by emotions.

What is she to do when the physical reality shifts as hastily as which it has slowly nurtured with care?

What can a woman do when the love she has grown and given to herself, seem to disappear like quicksand sucking in anything that it has touched?

What is a woman to do when the feelings of divine love expressed, is no longer encouraged to express, yet they continue to flow through her pores, her smiles, her tears, her fingers, her whispers, softly, no longer certain?

What is she to do when these feelings are magnified immensely within her heart with the moon lulling, pushing, pulling, far and near; closest and farthest from the sun, and the expression implodes?

She is just a woman.

It is natural to feel and honor her feelings.  Her feelings run mad and become emotions.  And all she could do was to honor them too.

And then and only then, the woman discovers there is much to learn and the feeling of failure and rejection is not here to be against her.

She knows that realities can change both ways, if a possibility is opened; but she is disinterested in creating or manifesting if it is not of love anymore.

She remembers the deep love that flowed through her, on that one day, reciprocated and felt in the human existence, in full intensity of co-creation; so she knows, she has already experienced what she has come here to.  It does exist.

And she knows another experience, is in-truth, another reminder and continued livingness to discover that the only medicine for humanity is to be truly who we are, in every moment, within any reflection.

She is thankful that every step forward, has brought her closer to the truth of who she is.  Her pledge is to be true in each breath, breathing deeply in honesty, every fragility, every realization.

She is just a woman, who cannot but be love.

And even if she has to walk alone, she cannot but be she.

I am ready

Every time I feel alone, you are not there.

I wish to turn to someone, and you are not there.

I want to hold your hand, you are not there.

You, are not a person.

You, are the reminder to me, that all that is external is unreal.

The external does not define me, it does not enlighten me, it could not wound me, it could never complete me.

In-truth, it could not give me love, but only reflect the love I have within back to me.

On the journey, I am attached to some of you more than others. As the mirror you hold are clearer, more still, and I become deeply mesmerized. But in fact, what I am seeing in you, is what you are reflecting back to me. This only happens, when in-truth, you are still within yourself.

When you are not there in the outside reality, perhaps it is time I am to ready to see myself without any reflections anymore.

Perhaps it means, I now know who I am from the pulsating of my heart.

Perhaps, my beloved, I am ready.

7 days and nights

7 days and nights have felt like 7 years.

Where am I to begin?

We are destined for divine perfection when the mind steps away, so a true releasing happens when it is least expected. The mind knows something has to be completed, only it does not know how and when. But the heart does.

In 7 days and nights, I have been starring in a 24/7 non-stop movie featuring life, death, fear, letting go and rebirth. Yet what has physically and esoterically happened in 7 days, in actuality has been initiated 7 years ago.

The grandness of what is to come, is utterly unfathomable at this moment, but it could be felt within my heart. So many doors have been knocked upon and opened in the last few months, the immensity that could happen is pure grandiosity both on a heart and collective level. This moment, I am bathed in deep gratitude, so deep that I almost have no wish to emerge.

7 years ago, I made a choice, to live.

I timidly opened the door to femaleness, because the yearning to be in expression of it, and the previous resistance to living it, has brought me to a place where the only choices were starkly clear: life or death. The Universe has brought me to this door after the birth of my son. And in my emaciated body and grieving spirit, I crawled in. I was drowning in my own fear, to be who I am. I have tried and tried to run away and to be someone else, but I was dying rejecting my soul and divinity. I lived. But every day I was reminded of this decision I made, as the left side of the body still feels imprisoned, to first be in the livingness of femaleness. I have to free myself to my femaleness. This, will be my grace as well as my strength. This, will also be my ultimate service.

7 days ago, I re-lived the fear of death for being who I am, in service.

I was fully who I am. I was living all the naturalness of full expression, fertility, strength and gentleness, deep connection with the earth, her medicines, her animals, her spirits. I was in all the most harmonizing elements. And because of who I am, I was harmed, attacked, misunderstood and my life was in danger. The fear was not of death, the fear was of being who I am, and rejected to an extent of eradication. And in desperation, I was not only in fear, I was alone. I could not access my tribe, I was alone.

Each day I lived with this memory and the fear that arose with it. My mind conjured up all the possibilities that I could get out of this. Fear immobilized all that I am. And the forces to beat me down came invading in all four directions. I cried for help. I only wished to serve. I am breathing because of the impulse in my heart to serve. And it is this impulse the forces do not wish to have in existence. Because all who constantly abide within the inner-heart and its impulses, cannot be under the control of the forces.

The forces sent its agents to greet me. Familiar faces who are unconscious of what energies are running through them and directing their work, they have come to discourage me even further. I was utterly grieved. For the unconsciousness of these hearts and for the effect of their work on humanity. I was in desperate panic. Again, I cried for help.

But before any help came, I would have to learn, my help is within. Being in the stillness within is the greatest compassion and solution to all pervading madness and darkness. Once I reached this place again, I witnessed the dissolution of fear. And at the same time, external help from the tribe began pouring in, each one at the most opportune moment. Each has brought tears to my eyes. I know I have chosen such an experience, to be temporarily far from my tribe, for a reason. And I wish to master what I have chosen to learn.

What is a re-construction within my internal landscape has synchronized with the revamping of the external environment with the visit of typhoon Nesat. What was witnessed in the morning post Nesat while my son and I were walking our daily route to school when passing the beach, was a expansion of what was previously confined.  The sand bled into new territories, evolving the landscape. Although the workers very quickly put everything back to how it was, we witnessed what is the possibility.  This change in reality, albeit temporary,  has brought much excitement to both my son and I. We were ready to welcome the change.

With the assistance of one soul from the tribe, I completed the letting go of what is imprisoning my livingness in femaleness yesterday. Through esoteric bodywork, he has helped to free the fear I have locked in my body in protection of what was experienced in the past.

And today, I walk a free woman.

Ready to honor once again, my heart, my voice, and choice to live as no one but myself, with each step in service. I am not perfect and I don’t wish to be, as each mistake that accompanies my journey will allow me to grow more. I pledge for continued awareness in this and subsequent journeys, and be natural in who I be, honoring, accepting and opening to all that I am. I walk this life and subsequent lives in honesty and truth, without regret, shame or guilt. And I shall return, for nothing more than the impulse to serve. As this is who I am.

I am free to open my arms as wide as could be. I am free to embrace all, all that brings joy and all that brings pain. I am free to open my heart to its fullest in love. I am free to sing, to dance, to shout the loudest my lungs could support, I am free to whisper truth in silence.

I am free.

Reconnection

The journey in life does not commence nor end with a physical journey. It begins much before a trip and continues after all returns to normal. Yet, what is normal? My trips to Peru began 5 years ago, and the journey has never ended, and each time after a physical journey, the immense work begins. My life has never been the same, and I would not wish for anything else.

My most recent trip to this land of my heart, is very special. The work has begun far and deep on the journey, and I know it is because the time has come. The time has come for me only because now I am ready. I am ready to demonstrate to myself the shaman within. I am ready to live each moment of the divinity that I am.

Never are two journeys the same. And never do I visit this land feeling I know it entirely. The earth is changing every moment. I recognized that on this journey, even physical structures have changed in a way I found surprising. There is so much learning on each trip, I cannot even begin to articulate. All learning is a reflection to myself, who I am, where I am at…and where would I like to be fully. I meet beautiful people and souls over and over again. Those I have known since years ago, I discover them anew every time. And I continue to meet new people and hearts. What I am truly meeting, through these souls, is also a part of myself. The learning is unending, at times challenging, but always it is for my own growth if I wish it to be.

This is a truly special trip, one which after 5 years, my spirit is finally not resisting to return with my body to Hong Kong. This in itself, is an immense growth. To be able to have enough trust within, to know that I am safe to return to my place of abode, by being geographically far from the Andes.

This does not mean that being away from the land which carries so much of my soul, is easy. It is not. I still have to remind myself more so at times than others, intently but also gently, that this is a learning, an immense one. But like all other opportunities to learn, there is nothing I need to do more, but to be willing to be present to it, and to open my heart to its message.

What Peru has initiated for me in these years, is a reconnection within. However much I love a place, a person, an experience; and however much I dread or grief about others, ultimately, I have to bring that back within. Because eventually nothing matters but what is inside of us. To reconnect the external with the internal, to reintegrate all realities into the One Life. And for anything to harmonize, my lesson is to be as present to them in equal attention. To love the human realm and its madness with equal gusto to the spirit realm and its madness. Or bliss. Or both.

And I am much looking forward to be the Reconnection.