Life is returning to the Unity we began as

Tag: numbing

A return to true love

A year ago I documented an epic event in my life through some photos.

I moved.

I did not only move house, I moved from solitude and a life of checking out from reality and in reaction towards humanity, back into the world.

I have always felt how overwhelming humanity can be. And forever, I was trying to hide. So one after another self-created illusion I built, and farther and farther I was from who I truly am. Eventually I was self-medicating every day by creating a life that was “idyllic” so to speak, in a house that was hidden in the woods, where eagles are encountered more often than human beings. Yet this idyll was in-truth sustained by huge amounts of energy that I had to constantly top up, for this bubble to continue to exist, and for me to feel safe.

But was I really safe? I had to constantly rely on the house and the environment there to feel safe. Even though I had to harden my body walking up and down hill every day, for 45 minutes to even buy a head of lettuce or bring my son to school, sometimes up to 3 times a day, carrying heavy loads of food and backpacks of stuff for work, I could not let go of this self-made idyll, there was just too much on the line. Stressing whether to bring a laptop or not became a serious issue, who could imagine?

By the grace of love, eventually one year ago I heeded my heart, as the impulse was too strong to be ignored anymore. We moved. Without knowing anything, I let go of almost everything that I had built up over decades that I identified myself with. The masks dropped, and I was traumatically terrified.

I did not know who I was. All I knew was everything that I had prided myself to be, was not IT. I had never lived the true me. All the protection that I have built, did not keep me safe when I opened myself in vulnerability to others, I was hurt and I still felt such deep pain. Even the idyllic house could not rescue me from this pain, I had numbed myself over and over again while living there. But now the pain can no longer be masked, I had run out of options.

It took me many months to even begin feeling safe again, more truly, to feel safe the first time ever in my life. When I had no one to rely on, I still had my house. I had the quiet and the stillness of the place. When we moved back to community, I could no longer depend on the stillness of nature, and I realized I was intensely chaotic and conflicting within. You can say I had no choice but to choose to remember my own stillness. In-truth, I had long ago chosen to return to true love, and finally, I was brave enough to live it, because the strength we carry is the love we are and always have been.

If I had never given myself the chance to live my heart, I would not through self-love, self-care and self-nuture re-discover and live for the first time who I truly am.  And who would have guessed the true me is so in love with humanity, because now I know the love for me is true.




Speak with Love

IMG_3297Before we open our mouths to express love, what comes forth is already in the heart, when it is called for, our lips and tongue move so love takes shape and form in words and sounds in expression.

Love in expression does not always mean sweetness, and it never is the kind of sweetness that attaches like silly putty and does not come off.  But love in expression is always gentle and non-imposing.  Never is love something that is spoken in judgement.  Simply, expression in love is just stating what it truly is.

Sometimes love is a consistent firmness, not in resistance, but repetitively conveying in livingness of who we are, with words and beyond that of words.  We may have to repeatedly express, what is simple, perhaps sometimes too simple, for the mind to comprehend.

Recently, speaking with love is my learning, with family, with co-workers, with strangers.  Not shying from what wishes to truthfully express from the heart, is my first commitment in speaking with love.  Love speaks, not what society wishes to be pandered to, but how it truly is.

And it is amazing, how when love is spoken, it is unlike how poetry portrays it to be throughout the ages, that hearts are swooned and the senses are mesmerized; rather, to many, love sometimes stuns, and it becomes our choice to either feel in depth with self-honesty, or distract from it through a myriad of ways.

Love, though, is very patient.

Choose Fire

Can you imagine how it would be like if nothing ever changes?

And can you imagine how it would be like if everything changes in a split second?

In the experience of life we have probably chosen somewhere in between.  Generally speaking there are two types of conscious changes that happen for those who wish to be aware of them.

The first type of change is a desire to improve on something,  because we feel there is a lack within us, in desperation, we search for something outside of ourselves to fix what we feel is lacking, be it health, relationships, career etc.  We need to feel good again, feel young again, feel vitality again,  feel whole again, but we don’t know how or why.  Therefore, we try from yoga to shopping therapy; veganism to guru-worshipping; drug and alcohol dependence to religion devotion, everything we can lay our hands on in the external world.  Desperately, we search and grasp, still without knowing what it is that is causing the deep agony we wish to distract ourselves from.  This type of change is such that causes and accumulates more prana in one’s life, in other words, it is the desperate fight that spirit puts up before going into the good night.

The second type of change is when the utter agony caused by the first type of change  (or no change at all) is too much to bear any longer.  Then there is no other choice, but to return inward, back towards oneself.  This is sometimes presented as a wake up call–when something in life changes dramatically such as an outbreak of  illness, relationship breakdowns, accidents etc.  When we consciously return, we know there is no where to go and nothing to improve.  When we realize we are whole and in unity with all by returning to our SOULS, the search ends and life begins.

Life is a returning.  Going back within, into our inner hearts, is not an abstract or elusive thing.  It is walking waking life, each moment, with our inner hearts.  It is not keeping this knowledge in our minds, and still go through life numbing ourselves with all kinds of distraction such as compulsive working and studying, television, movies, alcohol, drugs, sex, food, facebook, even meditation with an inappropriate intent, and the list goes on.  It is dealing with life, every moment as it comes.  When we begin to see and act through our inner hearts, life becomes an experience of GRACE.  The inner struggles, fighting and disharmony dissolve, and we begin to breathe and live FIRE rather than prana.

This is the beginning of glory in one’s life.  And this moment, everything changes, truly, in a blink of an eye.