The Real Me

From young I taught my child the real him is that which is, and everything else is that which is not.

The real him is when he is simply living his Essence, nothing but the open radiance that he is. He is openly loving, not in contraction in needing love. He is pure joy and no living being can argue that.

As a wee babe, he lives this state much more. With growing up, he has chosen to experience other states which are not the full truth of him. Just like everyone of us.

Consequently, there will be more time when he is lost in the emotions that run him—anger, especially, and if he continues to deny his overwhelming feelings, he will very frequently turn to numbing activities such as television and video games, in attempts to block out these feelings.

Only because of my own long and tedious journey and eventual choice to return, has allowed me the awareness to witness my child’s process. And honestly, never is this easy for a mother to face in truthfulness.

Some moments I will fall into the emotional trap too, other times in desperation I may revert to control, only because I have absorbed my son’s pain, which sometimes ignite my own and am looking desolately for a way out of it. Yet these never work in the true sense, as they do not bring either of us back to the harmony that we are.

I began testing other ways, for my boy, as well for myself. I allowed him his time and his outbreaks if necessary, but rather than taking the energy on, I worked on my own non-interference and non-absorbing skills. When I am more than not in my own inner-heart, the stillness remains even though my baby is in an outburst, and how immensely important it is for me to be that stillness, especially when he is not, for the both of us.

This morning, my child woke up after a deeply revitalizing sleep. He came to me in a strong hug and said, “I am the true me”.

I held him tight, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “This, is what I would like to honor you for, the whole and true you. Not your grades at school, not anything else, but this. Even if you only live this for a brief moment, because of my Love for you, I would like to remind you of this.”

What more do we live for in life, but for these moments of Soul-full connection, when one by one, we remember. With remembrance and honesty, then the choice becomes ours. And there is nothing more precious than meeting each other in our trueness.

I truly love you.

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A day in Disney

The first time I went to Disneyland in Hong Kong was 3 years ago when my son turned four.  Throughout his infant years, I have been struggling to hold onto my own energy.  I have always been in a chronic state of fatigue.  Every time I wished to play with him, I also go into fear of being very tired.  The first time we went, I had been tired even before we got on the first ride.

Last week I promised him another visit to Disneyland.  It was a gift to him for summer and my dear friend Vivian who works in Disneyland gave us a free entry pass.  I went without much expectation, but clearly Neem connected to the spirit of Disney the moment we got on the Disney train in Sunny Bay.  He lounged lovingly on the velvet seats and exclaimed he has never been on anything more comfortable.

Once we got onto the Disney grounds his ecstasy was beyond control.  He felt into everything, and was very impressed by all the welcoming signs and gestures throughout the park.  Seeing his excitement, I opened up to the wonder of a child’s heart and we enthusiastically lined up for our first ride–Buzz Lightyear.  It was a long queue before we met with the Toy Story characters.  When we finally did, Neem was already high on a mission–he was a young space ranger ready to defeat Zurg.  Those in line with us can’t disguise their smiles, seeing a child so fully immersed in saving the world.

Oh how he loved the Buzz Lightyear ride, every time he aimed and successfully shot at the Z’s, his feelings are genuine in believing he is one step closer to rescuing humanity.

Truly content with his accomplishment, he led me to line up for the second ride.  We both didn’t know what ride it was, but was happy to go on another exciting experience.  While we were lining up, suddenly I remembered my first roller coaster experience on Space Mountain in the LA Disneyland when I was 13.  I articulated as visually as possible my teenage experience.  Neem said it sounded scary.

By the time we were at the gate to the ride, we found out we were actually lining up for Space Mountain!  I asked Neem again whether he wants to go on it.  He paused for one moment and said “Yes! For the experience!”  I could not hide my smile…this child has spoken my heart.  He is my child.

I hadn’t envision my excitement.  I was so excited to re-experience my first roller coaster ride.  I loved roller coasters.  When I was 13 to 14, I have been on so many of them in different parts of the United States, and every time it was better than the last.  It was the whole package–the freedom of youth, the unlimitedness of the soul, the desire for expansion, the invincibility of no fear.

Yet Neem was still 7, so I had to reinforce him that we are entering Space for an adventure, just mom and son. The darkness in Space Mountain was very comforting for me, while it was too dark for Neem.  I so enjoyed screaming my heart out, not out of fear but purely for expression, Neem didn’t share my sentiment, and was quiet and laid on my lap while the space vehicle maneuvered its sharp turns.

When we finished our mission in Space, according to young space ranger Neem, Space Mountain was the worst ride ever, and he is never going to go on it again.  When we knew we were going into a “real” rollercoaster, I had a moment of doubt as of whether Neem would go back to Buzz or Winnie the Pooh rides after being initiated into Space Mountain, clearly my doubts were superfluous, he is still a child at heart.  And I love him so much for it.

We went on a few more rides, had blue cotton candy and bought souvenirs, immersing deep in the Disney reality.  And then we were both very hungry.  I wanted to leave Disney to go for a good meal, but was already too ravenous and weak to move.  Without much planning, we stepped into a Disney restaurant on the way out and had one of the best meals within the entire context.  We loved it and ate in such divine satisfaction.

As our hunger has been satiated and we strolled leisurely on the Disney main road to head out of the theme park, Neem wanting to visit more souvenir shops for toys, and seeing a shop with a painted sign “Jewelry” in sight,  asked : “Mommy do you want to look at some jewelry?”  Can I not love this child?

He was similarly impressed with all the signs that bid him farewell with reassuring requests of having him come back soon, as we walked towards the train.  We were both physically exhausted but our hearts were so full.  Whatever reality we are in, I treasure every opportunity to know my child more.  I am so immensely honored.