A return to true love
A year ago I documented an epic event in my life through some photos.
I did not only move house, I moved from solitude and a life of checking out from reality and in reaction towards humanity, back into the world.
I have always felt how overwhelming humanity can be. And forever, I was trying to hide. So one after another self-created illusion I built, and farther and farther I was from who I truly am. Eventually I was self-medicating every day by creating a life that was “idyllic” so to speak, in a house that was hidden in the woods, where eagles are encountered more often than human beings. Yet this idyll was in-truth sustained by huge amounts of energy that I had to constantly top up, for this bubble to continue to exist, and for me to feel safe.
But was I really safe? I had to constantly rely on the house and the environment there to feel safe. Even though I had to harden my body walking up and down hill every day, for 45 minutes to even buy a head of lettuce or bring my son to school, sometimes up to 3 times a day, carrying heavy loads of food and backpacks of stuff for work, I could not let go of this self-made idyll, there was just too much on the line. Stressing whether to bring a laptop or not became a serious issue, who could imagine?
By the grace of love, eventually one year ago I heeded my heart, as the impulse was too strong to be ignored anymore. We moved. Without knowing anything, I let go of almost everything that I had built up over decades that I identified myself with. The masks dropped, and I was traumatically terrified.
I did not know who I was. All I knew was everything that I had prided myself to be, was not IT. I had never lived the true me. All the protection that I have built, did not keep me safe when I opened myself in vulnerability to others, I was hurt and I still felt such deep pain. Even the idyllic house could not rescue me from this pain, I had numbed myself over and over again while living there. But now the pain can no longer be masked, I had run out of options.
It took me many months to even begin feeling safe again, more truly, to feel safe the first time ever in my life. When I had no one to rely on, I still had my house. I had the quiet and the stillness of the place. When we moved back to community, I could no longer depend on the stillness of nature, and I realized I was intensely chaotic and conflicting within. You can say I had no choice but to choose to remember my own stillness. In-truth, I had long ago chosen to return to true love, and finally, I was brave enough to live it, because the strength we carry is the love we are and always have been.
If I had never given myself the chance to live my heart, I would not through self-love, self-care and self-nuture re-discover and live for the first time who I truly am. And who would have guessed the true me is so in love with humanity, because now I know the love for me is true.