7 days and nights have felt like 7 years.
Where am I to begin?
We are destined for divine perfection when the mind steps away, so a true releasing happens when it is least expected. The mind knows something has to be completed, only it does not know how and when. But the heart does.
In 7 days and nights, I have been starring in a 24/7 non-stop movie featuring life, death, fear, letting go and rebirth. Yet what has physically and esoterically happened in 7 days, in actuality has been initiated 7 years ago.
The grandness of what is to come, is utterly unfathomable at this moment, but it could be felt within my heart. So many doors have been knocked upon and opened in the last few months, the immensity that could happen is pure grandiosity both on a heart and collective level. This moment, I am bathed in deep gratitude, so deep that I almost have no wish to emerge.
7 years ago, I made a choice, to live.
I timidly opened the door to femaleness, because the yearning to be in expression of it, and the previous resistance to living it, has brought me to a place where the only choices were starkly clear: life or death. The Universe has brought me to this door after the birth of my son. And in my emaciated body and grieving spirit, I crawled in. I was drowning in my own fear, to be who I am. I have tried and tried to run away and to be someone else, but I was dying rejecting my soul and divinity. I lived. But every day I was reminded of this decision I made, as the left side of the body still feels imprisoned, to first be in the livingness of femaleness. I have to free myself to my femaleness. This, will be my grace as well as my strength. This, will also be my ultimate service.
7 days ago, I re-lived the fear of death for being who I am, in service.
I was fully who I am. I was living all the naturalness of full expression, fertility, strength and gentleness, deep connection with the earth, her medicines, her animals, her spirits. I was in all the most harmonizing elements. And because of who I am, I was harmed, attacked, misunderstood and my life was in danger. The fear was not of death, the fear was of being who I am, and rejected to an extent of eradication. And in desperation, I was not only in fear, I was alone. I could not access my tribe, I was alone.
Each day I lived with this memory and the fear that arose with it. My mind conjured up all the possibilities that I could get out of this. Fear immobilized all that I am. And the forces to beat me down came invading in all four directions. I cried for help. I only wished to serve. I am breathing because of the impulse in my heart to serve. And it is this impulse the forces do not wish to have in existence. Because all who constantly abide within the inner-heart and its impulses, cannot be under the control of the forces.
The forces sent its agents to greet me. Familiar faces who are unconscious of what energies are running through them and directing their work, they have come to discourage me even further. I was utterly grieved. For the unconsciousness of these hearts and for the effect of their work on humanity. I was in desperate panic. Again, I cried for help.
But before any help came, I would have to learn, my help is within. Being in the stillness within is the greatest compassion and solution to all pervading madness and darkness. Once I reached this place again, I witnessed the dissolution of fear. And at the same time, external help from the tribe began pouring in, each one at the most opportune moment. Each has brought tears to my eyes. I know I have chosen such an experience, to be temporarily far from my tribe, for a reason. And I wish to master what I have chosen to learn.
What is a re-construction within my internal landscape has synchronized with the revamping of the external environment with the visit of typhoon Nesat. What was witnessed in the morning post Nesat while my son and I were walking our daily route to school when passing the beach, was a expansion of what was previously confined. The sand bled into new territories, evolving the landscape. Although the workers very quickly put everything back to how it was, we witnessed what is the possibility. This change in reality, albeit temporary, has brought much excitement to both my son and I. We were ready to welcome the change.
With the assistance of one soul from the tribe, I completed the letting go of what is imprisoning my livingness in femaleness yesterday. Through esoteric bodywork, he has helped to free the fear I have locked in my body in protection of what was experienced in the past.
And today, I walk a free woman.
Ready to honor once again, my heart, my voice, and choice to live as no one but myself, with each step in service. I am not perfect and I don’t wish to be, as each mistake that accompanies my journey will allow me to grow more. I pledge for continued awareness in this and subsequent journeys, and be natural in who I be, honoring, accepting and opening to all that I am. I walk this life and subsequent lives in honesty and truth, without regret, shame or guilt. And I shall return, for nothing more than the impulse to serve. As this is who I am.
I am free to open my arms as wide as could be. I am free to embrace all, all that brings joy and all that brings pain. I am free to open my heart to its fullest in love. I am free to sing, to dance, to shout the loudest my lungs could support, I am free to whisper truth in silence.
I am free.