I still believe in flowers

This is where I am at.

Speaking about what I have always felt unable to speak about.

The inability was not because of lack of words or feelings, but because I was feeling another prior and in a greater extent to myself.  I had felt the situation did not permit me to speak about what I needed to, because it would be in disrespect to the other party if I did.  And thus, for years and lifetimes, I have been dishonoring myself.

I had swallowed words and sucked in tears which should naturally be allowed to flow; instead of expression, everything imploded and began to suffocate the light.

I know who I am.  I have come in harmony.  From the very first day, I have expressed that I bear full responsibility of my life.  I have come in honor of my heart, and also in honor of your heart.  I have come in trust of the universe.  And thus, all that you have reflected back to me, I receive gently and love preciously, whether in joy or in pain.  I have come and left in incompletion, without full expression and livingness of myself, I have dishonored myself firstly, and you, thereafter; because I had felt your distance.  But what I see is only my responsibility and I am bearing it in full.

There is a family amongst me, whom I felt love and care.  And yet I could not open up to most of them, because of the huge responsibility I felt to preserve harmony.  I am inflicting cruelty on myself because of my attachment to my tribe, I am choosing to love others over the love for myself.

And so, I have come back to where I am at.

I could only honor that.

I still believe in flowers.

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One Love

I would not fight for any skin color anymore, I am certain I have righteously done so before.

I would not strive for any religion anymore, I am sure I have relentlessly killed for this cause before.

I would not uphold any group anymore, I am sure I have had to just to survive before.

I would not hang onto any ideals anymore, I know I have preferred them over Love before.

I would not hide anymore, I have perpetuated this illusion long enough.

I am here to live a one-unifed Love through One Brotherhood where every single Soul is precious and equal as who they are. I am here to express this Love, to allow it to be visible and accessible, so that any brother who feels inspired to walk this path of return, can do so. I am here to sing the heart song of the Mother, through her Stillness, that which is lived becomes the Father. I am here.

7 days and nights

7 days and nights have felt like 7 years.

Where am I to begin?

We are destined for divine perfection when the mind steps away, so a true releasing happens when it is least expected. The mind knows something has to be completed, only it does not know how and when. But the heart does.

In 7 days and nights, I have been starring in a 24/7 non-stop movie featuring life, death, fear, letting go and rebirth. Yet what has physically and esoterically happened in 7 days, in actuality has been initiated 7 years ago.

The grandness of what is to come, is utterly unfathomable at this moment, but it could be felt within my heart. So many doors have been knocked upon and opened in the last few months, the immensity that could happen is pure grandiosity both on a heart and collective level. This moment, I am bathed in deep gratitude, so deep that I almost have no wish to emerge.

7 years ago, I made a choice, to live.

I timidly opened the door to femaleness, because the yearning to be in expression of it, and the previous resistance to living it, has brought me to a place where the only choices were starkly clear: life or death. The Universe has brought me to this door after the birth of my son. And in my emaciated body and grieving spirit, I crawled in. I was drowning in my own fear, to be who I am. I have tried and tried to run away and to be someone else, but I was dying rejecting my soul and divinity. I lived. But every day I was reminded of this decision I made, as the left side of the body still feels imprisoned, to first be in the livingness of femaleness. I have to free myself to my femaleness. This, will be my grace as well as my strength. This, will also be my ultimate service.

7 days ago, I re-lived the fear of death for being who I am, in service.

I was fully who I am. I was living all the naturalness of full expression, fertility, strength and gentleness, deep connection with the earth, her medicines, her animals, her spirits. I was in all the most harmonizing elements. And because of who I am, I was harmed, attacked, misunderstood and my life was in danger. The fear was not of death, the fear was of being who I am, and rejected to an extent of eradication. And in desperation, I was not only in fear, I was alone. I could not access my tribe, I was alone.

Each day I lived with this memory and the fear that arose with it. My mind conjured up all the possibilities that I could get out of this. Fear immobilized all that I am. And the forces to beat me down came invading in all four directions. I cried for help. I only wished to serve. I am breathing because of the impulse in my heart to serve. And it is this impulse the forces do not wish to have in existence. Because all who constantly abide within the inner-heart and its impulses, cannot be under the control of the forces.

The forces sent its agents to greet me. Familiar faces who are unconscious of what energies are running through them and directing their work, they have come to discourage me even further. I was utterly grieved. For the unconsciousness of these hearts and for the effect of their work on humanity. I was in desperate panic. Again, I cried for help.

But before any help came, I would have to learn, my help is within. Being in the stillness within is the greatest compassion and solution to all pervading madness and darkness. Once I reached this place again, I witnessed the dissolution of fear. And at the same time, external help from the tribe began pouring in, each one at the most opportune moment. Each has brought tears to my eyes. I know I have chosen such an experience, to be temporarily far from my tribe, for a reason. And I wish to master what I have chosen to learn.

What is a re-construction within my internal landscape has synchronized with the revamping of the external environment with the visit of typhoon Nesat. What was witnessed in the morning post Nesat while my son and I were walking our daily route to school when passing the beach, was a expansion of what was previously confined.  The sand bled into new territories, evolving the landscape. Although the workers very quickly put everything back to how it was, we witnessed what is the possibility.  This change in reality, albeit temporary,  has brought much excitement to both my son and I. We were ready to welcome the change.

With the assistance of one soul from the tribe, I completed the letting go of what is imprisoning my livingness in femaleness yesterday. Through esoteric bodywork, he has helped to free the fear I have locked in my body in protection of what was experienced in the past.

And today, I walk a free woman.

Ready to honor once again, my heart, my voice, and choice to live as no one but myself, with each step in service. I am not perfect and I don’t wish to be, as each mistake that accompanies my journey will allow me to grow more. I pledge for continued awareness in this and subsequent journeys, and be natural in who I be, honoring, accepting and opening to all that I am. I walk this life and subsequent lives in honesty and truth, without regret, shame or guilt. And I shall return, for nothing more than the impulse to serve. As this is who I am.

I am free to open my arms as wide as could be. I am free to embrace all, all that brings joy and all that brings pain. I am free to open my heart to its fullest in love. I am free to sing, to dance, to shout the loudest my lungs could support, I am free to whisper truth in silence.

I am free.

Being Met

There are some moments when we feel the journey is especially solitary. These are the moments when the re-union is near, if we do not allow ourselves to give into the distorted energies of emotional attachment. I can feel the tribe so near, so close to my heart. When I stretch out my arms, I can almost touch the unity. The heart like a fountain satiates and overflows its velvety warmth, cascading, touching, caressing, always in tenderness.

If we are born to return, by newly returning within, to my home, my heart; this is now a returning towards a same song, a common language which is not spoken nor sung. The yearning is like roaring lava, unbearable in heat, intense in energy, fluid in movement, fiery in form. Yet also fully receptive in femaleness, in waiting, in anticipation, in gestation. Ready to be taken and consumed in utmost surprise and gentleness; in passion and wonder.

When we are fully in our solitude, when we are loving each breath of aloneness deeply, the time of re-union is near. The tribe is in our heart, it always has been. When we have all met ourselves nakedly; the time to meet each other face to face, is here.

Photo: CK (Secret Nine Productions)

Written on New Moon 1st partial eclipse of June 2011