Just a woman

What is a woman to do after feeling the intensity of unadulterated feelings of the cosmic heart in the physical reality? Pure feelings from the heart, untampered by emotions.

What is she to do when the physical reality shifts as hastily as which it has slowly nurtured with care?

What can a woman do when the love she has grown and given to herself, seem to disappear like quicksand sucking in anything that it has touched?

What is a woman to do when the feelings of divine love expressed, is no longer encouraged to express, yet they continue to flow through her pores, her smiles, her tears, her fingers, her whispers, softly, no longer certain?

What is she to do when these feelings are magnified immensely within her heart with the moon lulling, pushing, pulling, far and near; closest and farthest from the sun, and the expression implodes?

She is just a woman.

It is natural to feel and honor her feelings.  Her feelings run mad and become emotions.  And all she could do was to honor them too.

And then and only then, the woman discovers there is much to learn and the feeling of failure and rejection is not here to be against her.

She knows that realities can change both ways, if a possibility is opened; but she is disinterested in creating or manifesting if it is not of love anymore.

She remembers the deep love that flowed through her, on that one day, reciprocated and felt in the human existence, in full intensity of co-creation; so she knows, she has already experienced what she has come here to.  It does exist.

And she knows another experience, is in-truth, another reminder and continued livingness to discover that the only medicine for humanity is to be truly who we are, in every moment, within any reflection.

She is thankful that every step forward, has brought her closer to the truth of who she is.  Her pledge is to be true in each breath, breathing deeply in honesty, every fragility, every realization.

She is just a woman, who cannot but be love.

And even if she has to walk alone, she cannot but be she.

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First Love, One Love

If there is one thing I learned from the Universe, it is to listen to its murmurs and see the significance.

I had an inseparable friend in college, we met in the year when I listened to my heart and made a decision to switch my science major to an all arts degree, majoring in Chinese Studies. If you have ever met anyone in life for the first time, and knew you were destined to be best friends, you will understand  the connection between Yen and I.  She was definitely the yang, and I, the yin, when we met.  We loved the same things, especially pretty things like fashion, we were in the same classes, our favorite was the study of Chuang Tzu.  We partied together, got drunk on Sex on the Beach, we danced and danced at night and fully immersed ourselves in our Chinese Philosophy studies by day.  We were intensely in each other’s lives for one year. Then I moved to Vancouver from Toronto,  but our friendship ended before my departure.  It broke down during the final semester of our third year in college.  When I felt I finally discovered a friend, as much as I was heartbroken and lost from losing our connection, I had to continue alone.

I met several spiritual mentors during the time my soul was desperately seeking wholeness after a long period of not loving myself.  Under their facilitation and guidance, for the first time in my life, I felt who was the truth of myself, had a chance to emerge.  I was so ready to dive into all dimensions and the darkest depths.  I looked upon these mentors like family, brothers and sisters and wished we could be close.  Yet soon enough, all of them, moved away from where I lived.  Once again, just when I preciously discovered support, I found myself alone again.

I grew up in a religious family and an orthodox Christian all girls school.  I did not end up being a Christian nor a finance analyst, doctor, accountant or lawyer.  Because I choose to believe that an all loving-God would never allow only a selected few to enter his kingdom, and I treasure the freedom that existed beyond the imagination of authority.  Choosing as such, I relinquished the opportunity to walk into a room and feel a part of one.  For most of my life, I could only feel the one, as single, solitary.

I could choose to brush aside these experiences as the harshness of growing up which everyone somehow experience one way or another.  Or I could acknowledge the deep heart break that they have allowed me to feel.  Feeling as deeply as I could possible, the vision clears as the lesson arises from my blurred tears.

I have come to this life knowing there is another awaiting me, who understands and accepts me as much as I love myself .  I have known with my first breath that what can be created in union is unimaginable in the scope of one.  Yet time and time again, I have been shown there is yet a first step.  I have to first know how to love myself and experience the immense magnitude of this first love.  A union can only be true, when it is utmost harmony experienced with one and in togetherness.  Unity can only arise from a union that is true.

We are our own masters.  We are our best friends.  We are our greatest support.  We are one with ourselves before any union with another is possible.  And this union will open into what is of a true tribe, one that does not exclude, a people that gravitate together not because of emptiness or co-dependency, but because of a collaboration that is collective, one such that builds for one and all.  From the first love of oneself, we open and blossom into one love for all.

Being Met

There are some moments when we feel the journey is especially solitary. These are the moments when the re-union is near, if we do not allow ourselves to give into the distorted energies of emotional attachment. I can feel the tribe so near, so close to my heart. When I stretch out my arms, I can almost touch the unity. The heart like a fountain satiates and overflows its velvety warmth, cascading, touching, caressing, always in tenderness.

If we are born to return, by newly returning within, to my home, my heart; this is now a returning towards a same song, a common language which is not spoken nor sung. The yearning is like roaring lava, unbearable in heat, intense in energy, fluid in movement, fiery in form. Yet also fully receptive in femaleness, in waiting, in anticipation, in gestation. Ready to be taken and consumed in utmost surprise and gentleness; in passion and wonder.

When we are fully in our solitude, when we are loving each breath of aloneness deeply, the time of re-union is near. The tribe is in our heart, it always has been. When we have all met ourselves nakedly; the time to meet each other face to face, is here.

Photo: CK (Secret Nine Productions)

Written on New Moon 1st partial eclipse of June 2011