The Real Me

From young I taught my child the real him is that which is, and everything else is that which is not.

The real him is when he is simply living his Essence, nothing but the open radiance that he is. He is openly loving, not in contraction in needing love. He is pure joy and no living being can argue that.

As a wee babe, he lives this state much more. With growing up, he has chosen to experience other states which are not the full truth of him. Just like everyone of us.

Consequently, there will be more time when he is lost in the emotions that run him—anger, especially, and if he continues to deny his overwhelming feelings, he will very frequently turn to numbing activities such as television and video games, in attempts to block out these feelings.

Only because of my own long and tedious journey and eventual choice to return, has allowed me the awareness to witness my child’s process. And honestly, never is this easy for a mother to face in truthfulness.

Some moments I will fall into the emotional trap too, other times in desperation I may revert to control, only because I have absorbed my son’s pain, which sometimes ignite my own and am looking desolately for a way out of it. Yet these never work in the true sense, as they do not bring either of us back to the harmony that we are.

I began testing other ways, for my boy, as well for myself. I allowed him his time and his outbreaks if necessary, but rather than taking the energy on, I worked on my own non-interference and non-absorbing skills. When I am more than not in my own inner-heart, the stillness remains even though my baby is in an outburst, and how immensely important it is for me to be that stillness, especially when he is not, for the both of us.

This morning, my child woke up after a deeply revitalizing sleep. He came to me in a strong hug and said, “I am the true me”.

I held him tight, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “This, is what I would like to honor you for, the whole and true you. Not your grades at school, not anything else, but this. Even if you only live this for a brief moment, because of my Love for you, I would like to remind you of this.”

What more do we live for in life, but for these moments of Soul-full connection, when one by one, we remember. With remembrance and honesty, then the choice becomes ours. And there is nothing more precious than meeting each other in our trueness.

I truly love you.

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I am ready

Every time I feel alone, you are not there.

I wish to turn to someone, and you are not there.

I want to hold your hand, you are not there.

You, are not a person.

You, are the reminder to me, that all that is external is unreal.

The external does not define me, it does not enlighten me, it could not wound me, it could never complete me.

In-truth, it could not give me love, but only reflect the love I have within back to me.

On the journey, I am attached to some of you more than others. As the mirror you hold are clearer, more still, and I become deeply mesmerized. But in fact, what I am seeing in you, is what you are reflecting back to me. This only happens, when in-truth, you are still within yourself.

When you are not there in the outside reality, perhaps it is time I am to ready to see myself without any reflections anymore.

Perhaps it means, I now know who I am from the pulsating of my heart.

Perhaps, my beloved, I am ready.

Wayra

I love Wind.  In the Quechua language, Wind is “Wayra”.

The first time I heard this word, it was in a ceremony with a few hundred people in Kutimbo, an open space for ancient tombs high on the plateaus in Puno, Peru.  The first time I said this word during this ceremony, the spirit of wind ran through my body and intoxicated my soul.

My love for wind came from my inherent intimacy with it.  Like wind, I have always felt more natural to expand into everything; to impress without being visible; to be everywhere in utmost freedom.  Even though I love wind, I used to feel intimidated by it.  It was at times too strong when I did not know how to be with it, and either fought or ran from it.

Until exactly a year ago, in one of the most difficult periods in my existing life, I made a decision to be in the energies of Peru during the Winter Solstice of the South.  This was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made in my life.  And it was one of the loneliest journeys I have ever embarked on.  With this decision, I had consciously allowed myself to experience two Winter Solstices in one year.  Winter Solstice is the day when the sun is the farthest away, where that part of the globe experience the least sun.  This is the day when we hold onto the energies of the dark .  It is an opportunity to drop into the greatest depths of stillness, to remain in the womb, to gestate, to receive, to feel.

I took this journey with my son, who also represented the sun for me.  He is young, a little sun, and perfect to accompany me on a journey towards the deepest and darkest within my soul, for journeys into our lower world is best done in as much solitude as possible.  We arrived on the highlands of Sacsayhuaman in Cusco.  I could feel the sky embracing my wounds.  The sun was no where to be seen, but the wind was vehement.  It was adamant, pushing me relentlessly.  I was very cold.  And within my bones, I was already frozen.  I wanted to run, but was unable to move.

With me was a young shaman friend.  I said, I could never really understand the wind.  I love it yet I fear it.  He said, close your eyes.  The wind continued to howl, without the Andean sun, everything felt incomplete, I felt incomplete, I was weak.  So I closed my eyes, and immediately, the wind came.  It teased me, cajoled me, laughed at my fragility.  I did not have sufficient energy to respond.  On the verge of tears, I began to breathe in deep awareness.  I began to breathe in the wind.  I felt it merging with me.  As I breathed deeper, I became warmer and the fire returned.  I was working with the wind, and I understood what it meant to become the element.  I became wind.

My eyes glistened with tears when I opened them.  Touched by the lesson from wind, even though night has already befallen, I did not feel cold anymore.  The fire within my heart has begun to return, on a day where light was the least sufficient geographically and astrologically.  My heart was so full of gratitude, for Wayra, beautiful and free Wayra.

It has been one year.  No matter where I am geographically, despite how the climate is, I am now no longer separate from Wayra.  We have learned to become each other and work in harmony with each other.  The intensity of wind brought about by the monsoon climate these days, once again brought me close to Wayra.  And dancing around it, it still continues to intoxicate, its laughter shrilling in my ears, its shadow lingering long after its kiss.

Wayra has taught me that my fire is within me.  At times I still forget and long to be made whole.  But wholeness is such only when it does not depend on anything.  In-truth, this is the teaching of the elements.  Only wholeness can be truly shared and united in harmony and love.

Remember wholeness.  Become wholeness.  Wholeness can never be depleted, it does not need, it is satiating and can always be shared.  Like the wind, it is infinite, encompassing and eternally present.

Nostalgia

I am nostalgic today.

Nostalgic for what is simplicity and love.  Authentic exchanges between human beings; open-hearted and non-expectant caring; simple gestures spontaneous from the impulses of the heart, unfiltered from the mind.

Nostalgic for fearlessness, not from impulsiveness, but from deep play in life.  Where each moment is full and satiety overflows.

Nostalgic for eyes that light up with joy, with no reason at all.  For hugs that engulf and speak volumes without uttering a word.

I am nostalgic today.  For the fire of the sun.  And more so for the fire within me.

Choose Fire

Can you imagine how it would be like if nothing ever changes?

And can you imagine how it would be like if everything changes in a split second?

In the experience of life we have probably chosen somewhere in between.  Generally speaking there are two types of conscious changes that happen for those who wish to be aware of them.

The first type of change is a desire to improve on something,  because we feel there is a lack within us, in desperation, we search for something outside of ourselves to fix what we feel is lacking, be it health, relationships, career etc.  We need to feel good again, feel young again, feel vitality again,  feel whole again, but we don’t know how or why.  Therefore, we try from yoga to shopping therapy; veganism to guru-worshipping; drug and alcohol dependence to religion devotion, everything we can lay our hands on in the external world.  Desperately, we search and grasp, still without knowing what it is that is causing the deep agony we wish to distract ourselves from.  This type of change is such that causes and accumulates more prana in one’s life, in other words, it is the desperate fight that spirit puts up before going into the good night.

The second type of change is when the utter agony caused by the first type of change  (or no change at all) is too much to bear any longer.  Then there is no other choice, but to return inward, back towards oneself.  This is sometimes presented as a wake up call–when something in life changes dramatically such as an outbreak of  illness, relationship breakdowns, accidents etc.  When we consciously return, we know there is no where to go and nothing to improve.  When we realize we are whole and in unity with all by returning to our SOULS, the search ends and life begins.

Life is a returning.  Going back within, into our inner hearts, is not an abstract or elusive thing.  It is walking waking life, each moment, with our inner hearts.  It is not keeping this knowledge in our minds, and still go through life numbing ourselves with all kinds of distraction such as compulsive working and studying, television, movies, alcohol, drugs, sex, food, facebook, even meditation with an inappropriate intent, and the list goes on.  It is dealing with life, every moment as it comes.  When we begin to see and act through our inner hearts, life becomes an experience of GRACE.  The inner struggles, fighting and disharmony dissolve, and we begin to breathe and live FIRE rather than prana.

This is the beginning of glory in one’s life.  And this moment, everything changes, truly, in a blink of an eye.